We all bear the scars
Yeah, we all feign a laugh
We all cry in the dark
Get cut off before we start
And as your first act begins
You realise they’re all waiting
For a fall, for a flaw, for the end
And there’s a path stained with tears
Could you talk to quiet my fears
Could you pull me aside
Just to acknowledge that I’ve tried
As your last breath begins
Contently take it in
Cause we all get it in
And as your last breath begins
You find your demon’s your best friend
And we all get it in
I had a long conversation with a friend recently about our demons and I began to wonder what exactly are demons? For now, I will say that a demon is created by us to represent something we consider dark, socially unacceptable or that make us unlikable. For some it’s physical attribute. For others it is behavior outside the social norms. For my friend and I, it is sexual behavior and fantasies not shared by many, much less the majority. The demons are almost always rooted in fear of rejection. Rejection by society at large or rejection by those whose approval we desperately seek.
My demons are in several areas. I think I am going to try to look at all of them this week. Sexually mine come from two different directions. The first area is the part of me that actually enjoyed helping people meet their sexual needs for financial remuneration. Society has such a negative stereotype of people who work as social consultants. When I talk to people about it I remind them of the story of the old man walking down the beach in South Beach. He comes across this gorgeous blonde and approaches the blonde asking “if I gave you a million bucks would you have sex with me?” After a little thought the blonde said yes. The old man then asks; “If I gave you $5 would you have sex with me?” With great indignation the blonde says “NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM????” The old man said “we’ve established what you are. We are just working on a price!” As I mentioned in an earlier post, I don’t regret doing it. It is now a part of my fabric. Without it I would be a different person with different perspectives and experiences. And lets face it. some of that money went to pay for law school. Is there really that much difference? I still get paid to use my tongue.
The other aspect of the sexual demons is the area my friend and I share. The need not only to feel all the body is capable of sexually. But to fully explore the power exchange that is often considered sex. It is my belief that if we are truly spiritual beings having a human experience, then we need to not only experience this body, but also learn to control this vessel.
First the experience. I have said for a long time that there is a fine line between pain and pleasure. A good top can work with their partner to fine his line and ride it. Always making a person question what is pleasurable and what is not. An even better top will release control and allow themselves the same experience without fear of labels. These are demons for many people. The fear of being labeled a bottom or passive. An even deeper fear is the fear of rejection for thinking about kinky sex. For those of us growing up in the 70’s trying to explain a same sex attraction to someone close meant risking total rejection from “loved ones” and even social ostracizing and loss of job. Add to that trying to talk about bondage, flogging, wax or other stimulation and you ht the grand slam or “crazy talk”. Most time these thoughts had to be totally suppressed. They became my demons.
Fortunately I found myself coming out into a world of leather-men before I met the sweater and Lacoste crowd. I felt at home in the family of leather men and bike clubs. They made me feel that my demons were things to embrace, not run away from. When I discovered the twink crowd I was confused. Their version, their vision of the leather-men was so different than mine. They had this condensing attitude grounded in fear of the unknown. They were too focused on appearance and age and not on the experiences and places that they could take them sexually. To really start messing with their little minds an concepts, I started wearing handcuffs hanging on my OP shorts and Izod shirt uniform when I bar-tended at the old Lost and Found. I had that pretty blond boy prep look that masked a deep, dark, pervy streak. It was interesting how many people mocked the kink scene to their friend while still slipping me their phone numbers. One of our ongoing problems is the desire to do and experience things that you can’t do or share with someone you love, much less trust. Another friend has a mantra. “Kiss me like you love me dearly. F**K me like you hate me passionately!” There are times we want to treat a person, or be treated by a person, that cannot be someone you love or care about. More frustrating is that you really cannot even tell them what you want. The only thing I can add here is that if you understand what I’m talking about no explanation is needed. If you don’t get it, no amount of explanation will succeed in helping you understand.
A number of years ago I made a decision that it was more important for me to focus on different areas of my life for experiences than to consistently be seeking the next sexual high. Ed knows and understands my past and some of my demons. Sometimes he helps me explore them. Other times he allows me the freedom to explore them in other environments. That I think is a good and health relationship. It was worked for almost 19 years with few minor bumps along the way. I am grateful. Sexual demons should be embraced (to a healthy degree). Then should not be thing to fear.
Coming up – More Demons