Demons – The One That Drive Physical Self Esteem

Posted: November 8, 2011 in book, My History
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If I do have demons that I wear on my sleeves, they are the demons of the physical. I have never looked like a model. I could never have looked like a model. I was born with a linebacker physique. As a child, my mother took me to the “husky-boys” department to by pants. I wasn’t fat. Just big. Also I want to look like Tony, not Sven. I wanted that jet black hair and constant 5 o’clock shadow, not the blonde fuzzy that never could grow to a beard. Maybe the issues ran deeper to a rejection of who I knew I was, but I’ve never been happy with my body. I focused that anger on the things I could not change instead of the things I could change. It is only recently, in the past year or so, that I have actually embraced and confronted these demons.

After forty I really let myself go. My weight climbed to 280 pounds with a 42 inch waist. For the longest time I didn’t care enough to do anything about it except complain. Then after seeing a picture of myself I had an awakening. I though for gods sake, I was so fat that I did not even want to tough myself.  Why on earth would Ed want to touch me? That and the medical reports that showed I was diabetic, prompted me to make some changes.

At that point I decided to try this amazing new diet plan. I ate fewer calories than I was burning. I started doing cardio to burn more calories and started weight training to add muscle. It has worked. I dropped over 40 pounds. My waist has doped from 42 to 36 and my chest and back and arms have all gotten bigger and toned. There are actually now pictures of me with my shirt off floating around the internets. and most importantly, I can look down and see my dick. A very big plus!

Now there are those that would say I should have learned to accept myself for who I was and embrace that. I  would respectfully say to them – You’re NUTS!  Again, I believe that we are spirits having a human experience. That the essence that defines us lives past the demise of the vessel we are in. It is in a way a symbiotic relationship with body and energy. Along with experiencing a body, we must learn how to control it.

One of the commonalities of the people I consider great spiritual teachers, Buda, Gandhi, Jesus and even Mohammed was the ability to control their body. To fast. To walk through pain and discomfort. I then compare them to Jerry Farwell, Jimmie Swaggert and others of that ilk. Big fat men with jowls shaking. Rev. Charles “Chuck” Dewease, pastor of the First Pentecostal Church of Youngston, is not ashamed to tell anyone his weight.”I’m a little over 415 pounds and proud of it.”He says.About ten years ago while reading the book of 1 Timothy, Dewease came under “intense conviction” when he read 1 Timothy 4:8a which says, “For bodily exercise profiteth little.” He is using the bible to justify sloth!

I am appalled now that fat people are considered  handicapped. Instead of getting prime parking at the store, they should have to park in the spots furthest away and burn a few calories on their way to get more Ho Ho’s. As a society we should stop making it acceptable to be a glutton and help people get control of their life. This is not a PC matter. It is a public welfare crisis. We pay higher insurance premiums to cover “Fat Scooters”! Ed saw an obese man ride his fat scooter through he drive through at Dun-kin Donuts and get a box of Donuts. He was too big to fit through the front door. He then pulled into a handicap space and ate them all. Really?!?

I realize that people are going to take exception to this way of thinking but there is one main reason people get fat. A lack of discipline. NO ONE IS BORN FAT. We let ourself become fat. Or worse, parents let their kids get fat. If this offends you, go tell someone who gives a fck. We treat cigarette smokers that way. We treat alcoholics and junkies that way. Why give fat people a break? It is bad for society.

Ed works in the ER and several times a month they send patients to the Marine Mammal Rescue Clinic in Clearwater to use their cat-scan because they are too big for the people one in the hospital. One of the leading causes of injury to emergency responders happens during the moving of obese people. Maybe I am like a reformed smoker but as a society we need to make certain behavior acceptable and certain behavior unacceptable. I am by no means advocating that everyone be a gym bunny. But for gods sake take care of the body you have. You only get one each trip through. I have spent more than half my life dealing with a disease that is trying to kill me from the inside. I need to do what I can to make sure I keep a body that can fight this off.

It is even becoming a security risk. The vast majority of kids enlisting in the military are obese. As I have said before, I have always admired the USMC for their discipline. But even they are not immune from this problem. But as the tee-shirt reads – If it were easy, every one would do it. Although I have made a lot of change physically I have a way to go. I still see myself as that fat slob with a 42 waist. By New Years Eve I want to be down to my goal weight so I can focus on building more muscle next year. I need to find a challenge or goal next year. Maybe do an Ironman contest. But as a society we need to stop being victims and become the change we seek.

A few years ago the mirth and girth group moved into bear groups and started called themselves bears. This despite the fact that are in essence hairless. One person on line sent me his picture claiming to be a “muscle bear”. I responded by asking him what made him think so? NO – I DO NOT NEED TO HELP YOU ACCEPT YOURSELF!

There will soon be a posting about the term inclusive and community. We keep breaking into smaller factions based on fetish or type and at the same time trying to be PC and inclusive. I think with with  the development of the internet we have become less of a community and more of a network.

  1. Carl says:

    I can sympathize with your partner, Ed. I too work in health care and we are seeing more and more obese and morbidly obese patients. Fortunately our hospital installed ceiling lifts that can lift 500 lbs patients and some rooms have lifts that can lift 1000 lbs.
    Congratulations on your weight loss and the transformation of your body!

  2. Jerry B says:


  3. Scott says:

    As I read your piece, I wonder if you do not still hate your own body? First, I know of what I speak, having spent a lifetime battling (successfully at the moment) with my own diet/weight and body image issues. Yes, I believe obesity is a healthcare epidemic looking for solutions, but it is way too simple, not to mention offensive, to blame the ‘fat’ person.

    Now, I too can get all holier than thou when seeing an obese individual scarf down a dozen donuts… but c’mon… if you’ve experienced obesity, you should know that such behaviour is about more than a lack of self-discipline and/or control. To think otherwise just proves that ignorance in the guise of fat prejudice is alive and well.

    As with most problems/disorders/diseases/addictions, I believe the solution can be found in a combination of support, education and behaviour modification. At another time in my life, I would have read this piece… started crying…. and then stuffed my pie hole (feeling sorry for myself). Now, I understand my own responsibility to my health and appearance… do the best I can to make healthy food choices, exercise, and perhaps most importantly, work on loving myself. I’m not fat, I’m not thin, and like everyone else, I’m ageing. I work with what I’ve got. I’m dealing. I don’t have time to beat on myself anymore or to pay attention to anyone who would dismiss me as a fat or undisciplined etc.

  4. skintop says:

    As I started this post I make that it is a demon I wear on my sleeve. I look in the mirror and still see the boy shopping in the “Husky Boys section” at Sears. Yeah, I get it. But weight control is about most commonly about eating less calories than you burn. If you want to eat more, burn more calories.

    Maybe it is Karma back to haunt me for comments like this but I have just started medication to help eliminate “crix belly”. The fat deposits that are the result of years of anti-viral therapy. But again, I am not relying on the meds alone. I am also continuing with the diet and exercise routines. Yes, it is sometimes about more than control and discipline. But control and discipline are the, in my mind, first things that need to be adjusted.

    Thanks for reading and the input.

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