Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Welcome back

Posted: April 15, 2013 in Depression, My History, Suicide
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It has been several months since we have done a real up date. Mostly due to the fact that the depression returned and I didn’t want to bore you with whining. The difference is that this week I think I have reached a fork in the road and things are going to get better. Therapy is doing well. Not so much giving me answers but at least giving me the tools to help identify root problems and set goals for getting past them.

I’ve completed an article for the Watermark Newspaper that should publish soon unless they want me me to go deeper. Very interesting article, on a support group for HIV + people with addiction. I’ll post it or a link when it publishes. I learned a lot from those people and that is helping turn a corner. Bottom line for me is I let myself get out of shape and I refuse to acknowledge that I am ok over weight. I do not buy into the whole embrace your bigness.

A decade ago the bear community was made up of men who were hairy and the Mirth and girth were their own community. Somehow they merged and now we are told we need to accept the overweight as the norm. No me. My belief for some time has been that we are spirits having a human experience. One thing we need to learn is to control our bodies. This is the root of the depression in one area. I lack the discipline to get control of the body. The weight causes half my medical problems and the look causes part of the depression. I am not use to failure.

This week marks twenty years since Ed and I met. In that time I feel like I have lost 150 lbs (and gained 175) I know what I need to do so why can’t I just do it? We are celebrating this week by taking a trip to Spain. When we get back I am not dieting again. It will be a lifestyle change. Moderating processed foods and making cardio and exercise a daily habit. In the meantimes enjoy some updates from Madrid and Barcelona. Our anniversary gift to each other. I am very lucky to have found a soul mate. Maybe the next post will be about the card reader in New Orleans and her spin on Ed. Then Madrid.

I’ve lost three months of my life recently to Pristiq. Pristiq is an antidepressant that I started and from the very beginning I felt it was wrong. I lost interest in reading and writing. I lost interest in weight training and sex.  I lost three months. I knew I wanted off the drug but every web site I visited talked about listed testimonials of people who various reasons (lost insurance leading the way) have had to go cold turkey of the drug. People complain of Massive headaches and nausea and light-headedness. All of which I have experienced to one degree or another. None to an extreme or uncomfortable level.

This past week when I went to refill my prescription, I lost the new bottle. Faced with going out of pocket or cold turkey I figured I would try going, over Christmas, cold turkey without my Pristiq (I am still on Abilify). As I say So far the only thing I have noticed is last night I read 4 chapters in a new book. The Last Werewolf. While on Pristiq I was unable to read an entire page from that book. I am now driven to get back into the gym and last night took a long walk with the dogs and Ed after dinner instead of napping. I am relived to be back in sorts to a large degree. I still won’t watch the hallmark channel yet. Why ask for depression or tears. I do, for the first time in months feel in control. Something I have not felt in months.

Is that the goal of the mental health professionals, to give people socially acceptable ways of feeling numb? I thought it was to develop the tools to maintain control. I’ll keep my therapist but I am dropping my pill pusher psychologist. I want to develop my own tools for handling my life and life experiences. I don’t want to feel dead.

This morning was my weekly head shrinking. One of my greatest fears is becoming addicted to therapy. How do I know when I am all-better, cured. I’m happier. There is no doubt about that. More stable but how do I know when my mood disorder is over? Thoughts? I am in a better mood.

My therapist relayed a story from when he was in school and was told by a professor that they were not allowed to judge anyone for any reason. My thought becomes that if we as a society do not point out unacceptable behavior. I am a much bigger believer now in the “social contract”. I believe as a society we have let too many people off the hook for their actions whether it be obesity or living off the government dole on manufactured disabilities. Unless people are held accountable for their actions this kind of behavior will continue. My therapist calls this being judgmental. If so then I guess I always will be judgmental. I do now wonder whether this is healthy for me or not. I don’t see it changing. Thoughts?

Anyway, enough psychoanalyzing myself, I’ll save that for the professionals. I’m going to count down to Toronto. Two more days and Ed and I actually get to spend time together. He’s been working so much and so hard for so long it’s going to pleasant to be off the grid. Save for a few phone calls or Skype calls to my mother the following six days will be off the grid. I will however try to keep people posted through the blog and Facebook as Internet allows.